When You Love Someone, Listen to What They Don't Say Out Loud

Written by Lady T

People's words don't always reveal their true feelings. Some people go through life masking their depression with insincere laughs, smiles and "I'm okays." Only the people closest to them may be able to hear their pain through their silence.

Everyone has most likely experienced times when they felt sad due to circumstances such as job loss, financial hardship, illness, death of loved ones, romance breakups, eviction or foreclosure. No matter the circumstance, once the initial shock fades, it seems a person should enter a phase of acceptance and trying to do something to resolve the problem. But what if someone that you love who encountered a trauma remains sad and despondent over an extended period of months or years?

Sometimes what appears to be someone's sadness over a particular event may be clinical depression due to a hormonal imbalance or mental instability. The person may not know how to process what they're going through and how to dig themselves out from underneath it.

Or someone's sadness could be due to their lack of self-confidence or their insecurities. Everyone wants to feel loved and respected. A person who doesn't feel loved may wonder if it's because they aren't smart enough, or attractive enough or interesting enough and they may wonder what else they lack to make them an outcast.

To an observer, there are several physical signs you may notice about a person to indicate that he or she may be struggling with depression. The signs are:

• unkempt and unclean body, hair and clothing

• person uses one-word answers and keeps conversations short to avoid engaging with other people

• person constantly speaks negatively of himself or herself

• person shows signs of paranoia, often saying "everyone" hates them and is plotting something nefarious against them

• person avoids eye contact

• person doesn't smile, laugh or get excited about "happy" events

• person often says "I don't care" and doesn't express a preference for anything

• person prefers darkened rooms and keeps their curtains closed to block out sunlight

• person sleeps or lies in bed an inordinate amount of the day

• person overeats or doesn't eat enough

• person is forgetful and unfocused, maybe confused

• person's eyes are often swollen, red and glassy, indicating they may have been crying

• person often stares blankly at random targets such as walls or ceilings, indicating they may be mentally disconnected from their environment

• person has stopped or changed long-term routines, habits and activities

With the people close to your heart, always listen intently to whatever they say, and learn to interpret whether their words align with their actions. Learn to look into their eyes and observe their body language to translate what may really be going on that they're not verbalizing.

Don't ignore the signs of someone who may be sinking mentally. Here are some ways to support them:

• Tread lightly and offer them your time, attention and a safe non-judgmental space to openly share their thoughts with you

• Don't put pressure on them to talk. If you asks questions and they seem reluctant to talk, reassure them you understand and respect their privacy

• Whenever the person feels like talking, just listen and acknowledge their conversation by nodding periodically to assure them of your support and understanding

• When they talk about their feelings of inadequacy, gently give examples to compare their situation to yours or that of someone else you know. This may give them comfort in knowing they are not the only one with that experience

If someone seems to be exhibiting ongoing irrational, delusional behavior, strongly encourage them to see a doctor or counselor immediately for professional mental evaluation. If they seem suicidal or at risk or harming others, strongly encourage them to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at phone number 988. Both these phone lines are open 24 hours 365 days a year.

Don't take it personally if you're not able to convince them to seek help. By nature, some people get defensive when they feel they're being judged, and they may lash out with anger, aggression and insults. Remember, you may be dealing with a person who has an undiagnosed, untreated physical illness, a vitamin deficiency or mental imbalance such as bipolar disorder, clinical depression or even psychosis or schizophrenia. They may not be in control of their thoughts and actions. In elderly people over 65 who show signs of erratic behavior, it could be a sign of early onset or moderate Alzheimer's or dementia.

Lastly, of everything discussed in this article, does any of it pertain to you? Are you depressed, or do you feel inadequate, or do you feel alone and unloved? If so, reach out to a friend, family member, pastor, licensed therapist or anyone you trust. The people closest to you probably already figured out you're suffering, and they're waiting for you to approach them and open the discussion. Don't suffer alone. You are loved.